My home is everything I hoped it would be. It’s a perfect size, it’s warm and inviting. It’s in a beautiful place with lovely people sharing the property.
Seriously. How did I get so lucky?
I was once told that my birth mom marched to the beat of a different drum. I’m not like that. I find the person with the best drum and try to march in step. Not having a drum has been a stumbling block for me. It’s kept me from things. Not knowing the ropes has kept me from big and little things. I’m afraid of messing up. That’s why I like clearly marked signs and recipes and routines (eg. clean the house on a designated day, every week). They keep me from fucking up.
Being afraid of fucking up has been a huge deterrent to trying new things, going new places, pursuing things I love. There were always consequences to fucking up when I was growing up.
It stuck.
So here I am in a new place, knowing no one except (now) the lovely people on this property. And I HAVE to figure my own shit out. The internet is a nice addition to life. (I googled to see where the closest dog beach is and went there this morning.) But without that, I’d be spinning my wheels. I was even stressed out about the trash situation here. I was worried I would do it wrong. You know, the rules of trash from community to community are very particular! I thought I would need to drag the whole trashcan down to the end of the long driveway (because at home, if it’s not in the can, they won’t take it!), but when I looked out the window this morning, I saw the signature yellow bag (See? very particular! You have to purchase special bags at special places!) in the back of Mike and Dyan’s pickup truck (Mike and Dyan own the place) and realized I could just take my little bag and recycling down to the end of the driveway.
This goofy thing was stressing me out. Do you see my problem? I’m so worried about doing things just exactly right, not messing up, that I either get stressed out or just give up on an idea or hope that someone just happens to show up and point me in the right direction. But then, too, I don’t like people seeing me try something I haven’t tried before because what if they think, “What the hell is she doing? That’s not how to do it!”
I did my first run yesterday morning. Kind of a big deal for me because a) I wasn’t sure where I could go (private vs. public property; Dyan told me about the roads by the lack, plus I used google maps), and b) I was worried about being attacked by black flies. I was fine.
It’s probably not going unnoticed that I’ve created a list of things to do each week. And that these items are really a way to make sure my fear of being unproductive doesn’t come to fruition. It’s my armor against failure. It’s my way of keeping people from saying, “Why did she need to go up there in the first place? What a waste of time and money!”
List Update
-I’ve worked out everyday, including mapping a good run
-I wrote a letter
-I baked croissants, muffins, and a strawberry crumble
-I took Maybee to the beach –this might be my Thursday thing. Haha!
I’m going to work on a new philosophy that accepts failure. It’s the philosophy of “What’s the worst that can happen?“
A few pics from this week:
lori bedell 